


Illusions of Amber

by Lokne



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: F/M, Female Harry Potter, Genderswap, Hallucinations, Mental Breakdown, Mental Instability, Mental bonds, Older Man/Younger Woman, Unhappy Ending, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-29
Updated: 2020-03-29
Packaged: 2021-02-26 22:53:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,285
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23372206
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lokne/pseuds/Lokne
Summary: Hadora hadn’t eaten a full meal in almost two days, and even though her stomach roared in protest, she couldn’t bring herself to eat. Her stomach twisted and roiled with fear.
Relationships: Remus Lupin/Female Harry Potter
Comments: 4
Kudos: 69





	Illusions of Amber

**Author's Note:**

> A repost of an old fic of mine.

Hadora Potter toyed with her breakfast. The greasy eggs and sausage that had looked fabulous only a few moments ago had turned into a mess of yellow yokes and bits of undesirables. She ignored the admonishing look her mother gave her and continued to poke the congealing pile with her fork. Hadora hadn’t eaten a full meal in almost two days, and even though her stomach roared in protest, she couldn’t bring herself to eat. Her stomach twisted and roiled with fear.

Three days before summer, Cormac McLaggen informed her that his father agreed to send her a bonding offer. Lord McLaggen would draw up a contract and send it to her father during the holiday. She cringed at the thought of the contract winging its way toward the Potter Manor. Ever since she had come of age two years ago, she had gotten countless proposals, courtship offers and bonding requests. Each one was carefully rejected.

Hadora knew that if her father hadn’t been Lord Potter then she would have already been bonded long ago, and had an heir. It was only due to her father’s love that she was unattached. James would never force her to enter into a bonding of convenience, because he had refused to do the same when he was younger. 

Her father had been fortunate enough to confess his love, and send a bonding contract to Alice Rookwood mere hours before Frank Longbottom. If he had waited or questioned his decision, Hadora had no doubt that her mum would have married Lord Longbottom. Because of the affection between her parents she had vowed that she would never settle for anything less than a love match, which made it impossible, because Remus viewed her as a child. 

She pushed her plate with mutilated food away. She should have been used to the pain by now but it smarted. She still felt like her heart was being crushed every time she saw him and wished for the expression in his amber eyes to change. She wondered how much longer she could take the pain. 

“I received a bonding contract last night,” James said, breaking the silence. “It’s from Lord McLaggen.”

Hadora didn’t respond. What would she say? I don’t want to bond with him; I’m in love with Remus Lupin? She bit her lip when it started to tremble. She wouldn’t cry at the breakfast table. She pressed her nails into the webbing between her thumb and forefinger, and let the uncomfortable feeling take away the tears and melancholy thoughts that had plagued her ever since she had left Hogwarts.

“It is a generous offer, Hadora,” he continued as if he hadn’t heard her. 

“What is a generous offer?” Sirius demanded as he waltzed into the breakfast room, Remus Lupin trailing behind him.

A house-elf popped into the room and belatedly announced, “Lord Black and Lord Lupin requested to join you for breakfast.” He glared at the guests who hadn’t waited for a proper introduction.

Sirius laughed and waved away the formalities. “It’s a breakfast room, not the dining hall, Dibble.”

Dibble grumbled and left without saying another word.

“Now, what good news is there?” Sirius demanded as he loaded a plate.

Hadora forced herself to keep her eyes off of Remus. If she met his gaze she knew he would be able to read her every, painful, pathetic emotion. Her hands clenched in her lap. If he hadn’t been so kind to her maybe she wouldn’t have fallen in love with him. If he hadn’t brought her sweets, took her flying, taught her dueling, and wrote her letters while she was away at school, perhaps her heart wouldn’t have betrayed her.

But the knowledge that he had done the same with Sirius’s children made her despair that much worse and bitter. Remus had never played favorites among his friend’s children, even though Hadora would pretend that she was the only one he cared about. What she saw as fun filled moments and friendship that had deepened into something more complicated and long lasting had only been viewed as duty. The thought of Remus going on picnics with Cassiopeia Black or teaching Alhena Black Arithmancy made her blood boil with jealousy.

James cast Hadora a questioning look and she nodded. Maybe Remus would protest this time. Hadora had never talked to Cormac McLaggen until he had informed her of his plans, but she had known immediately that she wouldn’t accept his offer for one simple reason—he wasn’t Remus Lupin. McLaggen was simply another Gryffindor among many in a school that was both her sanctuary from Remus and a prison because she wouldn’t be able to see Remus for months. 

The dread she had felt today when she thought about the contract was a combination of terror that Remus would once again remain silent, and being sick at the thought of marrying someone else. The thought of loving anyone but Remus was impossible. It made her chest hurt.

She looked at Remus for the first time since he entered the room. His shaggy chestnut hair fell around the collar of his dress robes and framed his strong jaw. His amber eyes, that denoted him as a pureblood werewolf, flashed with unnamed emotion as he stared at her father. His handsome face was unmarred by scars that dotted the bodies of Turned werewolves. He was several inches taller than her dad, and his posture made him look taller than Sirius, though it may have been because Sirius rarely walked like a lord. His shoulders were broader than Sirius’s and Hadora knew he was entirely muscle. The power that he gracefully carried everywhere he went drew people to him, and she hadn’t been immune to his charms for years.

Remus was a born pureblood werewolf and took his rightful place as the alpha of the pureblood werewolf pack when he was only nineteen, which promoted his title of Lord Lupin to an even higher station. Though he didn’t belong to an Ancient and Noble pureblood house, his prestige as being the only pureblood alpha in Magical Britain made him one of the most sought after lords.

“Lord McLaggen owled a bonding contrac—”

A growl rent the air. “Decline.”

Hadora stared at Remus in hope. For years she had been waiting for him to speak up and he never did! He was jealous! He had to be! He had never ordered—it certainly hadn’t been a suggestion—her father to reject a suitor. 

“It isn’t your decision to make,  _ Remus _ . It’s Hadora’s,” James retorted.

Amber eyes flashed to her. Her heart sank like a stone in her stomach when she noticed the anger that was growing in his eyes. If she had seen just one other emotion Hadora would have told everyone that she had no intention of accepting the offer. But she hadn’t seen love, affection, or jealousy; she had only seen simmering rage.

“I don’t care if it is her choice. Hadora will not bond with a  _ Turned _ .” Remus sneered the word like Malfoy sneered Mudblood. “McLaggen was bitten four years ago. His blood is tainted.”

Hadora’s heart thundered in her ears. How dare he! She had waited years for him to give her a sign that he was in love with her, and the only reason why he was protesting the match was because McLaggen had the misfortune of being bitten by a werewolf instead of being born one! Even though McLaggen was a pureblood by wizard standards, he was unsuitable for her by pureblood werewolf standards. Remus didn’t want her to bond with someone unworthy, and that was the end of it. 

“I am permitted to bond with whomever I deem worthy, Remus,” she said, surprised at the icy quality of her tone.

Remus snorted and leaned back in his chair. “He will never love you.”

Hadora flinched. She couldn’t handle this anymore. The words coming from his mouth were too sharp. They cut her to the quick.  _ Never love you. _ Maybe she was being a foolish child. Maybe Remus would never love her. But was it so horrible of her to wish for a love match? Sirius bonded with Rolanda Hooch. Her dad bonded with Alice Rookwood. Peter bonded with Amelia Bones. All of them were love matches!

Her chair toppled to the floor in her haste to leave the table and his insidious presence. “You think I don’t know that?” she demanded. Hadora didn’t care that she was almost screaming. “I’ve waited for years, Remus, years to call yo—someone my husband. I’m almost eighteen!”

“So you’ll marry someone you don’t love? Seems petty to me.”

“Everything seems petty to you,” she snapped. She glared at him and didn’t flinch when he growled. She was tired of waiting for him to realize his true feelings. He was gone for months because he had to perform obligations to his pack. She understood that. But it didn’t make it hurt any less when he left. He was always leaving her! “You think that after being away for three months, you have a right to dictate my life? You don’t! You know nothing about me or my feelings, so back off!”

“I know everything about you, Hadora.  _ Everything _ . You’re mine! And no one is going to take you from me—especially a filthy  _ Turned _ werewolf!” he roared. “You will reject his offer, and that is final.”

Hadora paled. Never had she heard anything more painful. Remus essentially just told her that her opinion didn’t matter. Her station as Heiress Potter didn’t matter, and that her feelings were inconsequential. In front of her entire family, Remus had announced that she was nothing more than chattel. He would never bond with her, because she wasn’t worthy of it. She was a possession, a plaything. She was less than human and less than a Muggle. 

Hadora grabbed the table so she wouldn’t collapse to the ground. Tear gathered in her eyes and she didn’t bother stopping them. They rolled down her cheeks as she tried to gather up what was left of her dignity and leave the room. So this is what it felt like. Being ripped apart and dumped by the wayside. 

James jumped to his feet and leveled his wand at his best friend. “You better beg her for forgiveness, Lupin or—”

“I understand,” Hadora murmured. She kept her watery gaze on her father. She knew that the second she left the room, her father would challenge Remus to a duel. But she couldn’t drudge up enough energy to care. She felt hollow. “May I be excused?” The words felt foreign on her tongue. She hadn’t asked to be excused since she was a little girl in braids. 

“Of course, Hadora,” Alice whispered.

Hadora curtsied to the room and stumbled out. She shut the door and leaned against it for support. When she had woken up this morning she had never thought the day would become ruined. Maybe it would have been better to stay in bed. She shook her head. It was better to know Remus’s true feelings.

She heard a loud crash in the room behind her and cringed. She didn’t want to be here when they finished fighting. She wanted to disappear. Hadora thought about heading to her chambers, but decided it would be a foolish idea. Though they were private, it would only depress her further. Mind made up, she ventured outside and grabbed her Firebolt. She launched herself in the air and took off as fast as the broom would go. She didn’t want to think or feel. 

_ “No, you’re holding it wrong, put your hands here,” Remus instructed. _

_ Hadora laughed and fumbled the grip he was teaching her. “Are you sure? It feels like I’m trying to strangle a crup.” _

_ His amber eyes sparkled with amusement as he snorted. “Do that often?” _

Her tears dried in the harsh wind. Why did everything she do remind her of him? It would have been easier if he had paid her no attention at all, than a little. Hadora choked on a sob and covered her mouth to staunch the sound, before remembering that it didn’t matter. No one could hear her. 

She watched the clouds float in the blue sky for what felt like hours. The darkening colors told her that she had been gone for most of the day. Her stomach growled but she ignored it. She didn’t want to return home yet. The sky darkened and grew more ominous. Purple lighting flashed as the wind picked up. Hadora gazed at the storm in the distance with apprehension as the weather grew worse and more dangerous. She tightened her grip as gusts of wind shot toward her, trying to throw her from the broom. 

A sharp pain in her chest made her gasp. The purple lightning flashed again, highlighting a small object in the sky. It was falling. She felt the mental bond snap in place and her terror increased. It wasn’t possible. She raced toward the figure in the sky. She flattened herself against the handle as much as she could to dispel the strong wind. It shouldn’t be possible. 

Hadora cast a lightening charm and carefully gathered the child into her arms. The storm vanished as soon as Hadora touched her. Her hands shook as she floated to the ground. Hadora laid her on the grass and stared with awe at the beautiful girl. Her ebony hair was pinned up with ribbons and combs. Her dress robes were of well made quality and a cut she had never seen before. Her skin was flawless and looked soft. Her eyes were drawn back to the color of her daughter’s—because somehow, someway this little girl was her daughter—hair. 

The girl groaned, drawing Hadora from her thoughts. “Easy, you’re okay. I caught you.” She felt warmth flood her as the bond hummed. Her daughter was here. The overwhelming thought of getting bonded and having a family was almost too much when only hours ago, her heart had been crushed. 

“Mum?”

Her heart almost broke for a second time at the question. “Yes, Honey, I’m here.”

Amber eyes locked with hers.

_ Remus _ was her father.

A radiant smile burst across the girl’s face. “We did it! It worked! I-I came back!” She threw herself in Hadora’s arms and snuggled close. Her daughter smelled like lilacs. “I mean, I knew it would work . . . okay, well, Daddy  _ thought _ it would work; we weren’t sure, but we knew that we had to try becau—”

Hadora laughed at the rambling. “Slow down, little one.”

She pouted. “I’m not little. I’m nine!” She crossed her arms over her chest and stared at Hadora. “You look so young! Oh, uh, not that you look old or ugly in the future, because you don’t. You just look so much like Jessamine, or Jessamine looks like you. Ugh. Whatever it is.”

Jessamine. They had another daughter? 

“Oh right, Daddy said you wouldn’t know my name. This is weird because you’re my mum, but, oh well. I’m Hapachia Lupin. It’s nice to meet you . . . again.”

Hadora wrapped her mind around her daughter’s name. His name still sent shafts of pain to her heart, but she ignored it. If it meant that he would finally love her and give her a family, she would tolerate the pain for the time being. 

“I’m Hadora Potter.” 

Hapachia gave her a look. “I  _ know _ .” Hadora bit back a grin at the response. She was already in love with her daughter. “Daddy sent me with a message.” 

Hapachia furrowed her brow and stared at the grass. “Give me a minute. I told him I wouldn’t remember everything, but he didn’t listen.” Hapachia rolled her eyes as if Remus did that often, but she was used to it. 

Hadora couldn’t believe what she was hearing! Surely, he would be attentive and active in his children’s lives and listen to them. Remus would never—instances in her life, that she couldn’t overlook, flashed through her mind. Memories of all the times he ignored her and forgot the plans they made in advance, because he was busy. Hadora didn’t want her daughter to go through that.

“He said that he was going to say something stupid and make you angry. But he wanted me to tell you that he is really sorry and he loves you! He does that a lot, you know. But then he apologizes and you kiss him. And then he mentioned something about a castle, and that he didn’t mean to say that either.” Hapachia tilted her head, radiating confusion. “Why would he call you a castle?”

A tear rolled down her cheek as Hapachia blundered the vicious words Remus had uttered mere hours ago. Not even the words, ‘he loves you’ could diminish the pain. Her daughter didn’t understand, but it wrenched something inside her.

“Don’t cry! I don’t think you look like a castle! I’m sure Daddy was just being stupid again! I can kick him in the shin when I get back if you want! I do that when he hurts  _ my _ feelings!”

Get back? Hapachia was leaving? She couldn’t leave! If she left— Betrayal left a sour taste in her mouth. He sent their daughter back in time to apologize and hadn’t taken into consideration the pain it could cause her when Hapachia left! A bitter laugh escaped. He was torturing her. Why had she fallen in love with him? He was cruel and thoughtless. 

She hugged Hapachia to her chest and didn’t let go, neither noticing that darkness had descended until the first star emerged. Hadora’s heart leapt when she saw a falling star. She snapped her eyes shut and wished that she would be able to keep her daughter. She tried to forget that Hapachia didn’t belong in the current timeline and would have to return sooner or later. Later, she hoped,  _ much _ later. She snuggled closer to her daughter and wrapped Hapachia in the cloak spelled with heating charms.

An hour later, a loud crack of thunder careened through the air, sending panic rushing through her. No! Not yet, please not yet. She still didn’t know everything! Could magic really be so cruel? Dark clouds gathered overhead quickly followed by bolts of purple lightning as Hadora clung to her daughter tighter. She didn’t want to let her go. Not now. The thought of losing the bond was horrifying. Too much had happened in the last few hours, and she wasn’t sure if she would be able to survive the separation.

Hadora wanted to force her to stay. She wanted to secret Hapachia away and never give her back, because after years of being alone Hadora had finally found something worth the agony that she had suffered at Remus’s hands. Hadora’s wand crept into her hand and she pointed it at her daughter’s back as a hex waited on the tip of her tongue. Hadora felt a light kiss on her cheek and flinched. Her wand fell to the ground. She couldn’t do it, because a future version of herself was waiting on the other side. 

Even though she knew it would destroy her—mind and soul, she couldn’t force Hapachia to stay. The bond wavered in her mind as the storm grew larger and more fierce, and Hadora couldn’t stop the tears from falling. Why did everything good have to be taken away from her? Had she done something unforgiveable? Was she unworthy? 

“I’m sorry,” Hapachia said, clinging to her.

Hadora nodded brokenly. She knew it hadn’t been her daughter’s intention to cause her more pain. Hapachia was too innocent and loving to do something this vindictive. “I know, Sweetie. I love you.” 

Hapachia’s downcast expression brightened. “I love you too, Mum.” She looked at the storm and her lip trembled. “I don’t want to go.”

“You have to,” Hadora forced out. She moved away from Hapachia even though her entire being screamed at her to do the exact opposite. “You don’t belong in this timeline.”

“But—!”

Another piece of her heart broke at the cry. Hadora loved that Hapachia wanted to stay, but the prolonged farewell would make it even worse once she was gone. “Please, Hapachia.” She wasn’t even sure what she was pleading for. Her mind and magic were in turmoil and she could barely think straight. 

Hapachia sobbed and nodded. Hapachia ran toward the center of the storm as Hadora silently begged her daughter to turn around. She needed to see the love in her amber eyes. She needed to see the smile that was accented by dimples. Hadora curled into a ball as her daughter ran and ran without looking back. 

Hadora felt the bond snap and, with it, her mind. Her daughter was gone and she would never be whole again. Her mind lashed out, trying to find the piece that she had lost. It was here somewhere. She had felt it only a second ago, hadn’t she? Hadora remembered the warmth and affection but now she was cold. So very cold and afraid. 

She savagely pulled the edges of the empty hole in her mind together, but it remained gaping. There was a hole where something used to be. Hadora gazed into the abyss of a broken bond and jumped in. Maybe if she reached the bottom she would find it. Maybe then she would feel the arms wrap around her. Maybe then she would hear the words, “I love you, Mum.”

Frigid, dead magic rushed through her as she fell farther and farther into the black hole. She felt two other small pinpricks of warmth but they didn’t call to her. They were weak and unimportant. Hadora brushed away the other bonds and slid further down. 

Terror grabbed hold of her heart as she continued falling. It wasn’t here. No matter how deep she went, she couldn’t find the little light that she’d cradled so lovingly. Instead of warmth and love, darkness and death greeted her, drawing her down into forever.

Her tears froze on her cheeks and eyelashes as she pushed on. Her hands felt stiff and useless and lethargic, but she fought through it. Her breath puffed out in stark white clouds as the gaping maw that was her mind started to consume her. Her mind slowed to a crawl as she lost herself among broken dreams and the words of a little girl who vanished. Hadora’s heart stuttered in her chest until, finally, it fell still. The darkness had won.

Hadora’s eyes drifted close, resigned, when she saw bright sparks flash through the emptiness. Lightning. She cringed away from the light as it grew closer. No! Lightning had stolen her daughter and it would take her next. She huddled and scrambled away from the white light as it continued to flare brighter and more brilliant. 

An agonizing ache burst in her chest as she screamed. She didn’t want to hurt! She wanted it to stop. She wanted it all to stop. She clawed at her chest, trying to dig and rip away the pain, but it remained just out of reach. Hadora fell to her knees and railed against her magic. Why wouldn’t it let her die? Why couldn’t she have her daughter back? She flinched when the light wrapped around her and dragged her to the surface. She fought and snarled, but it wouldn’t release its hold.

“She’s alive!”

Hadora’s eyes shot open at the suddenly loud voice. Familiar amber eyes stared at her with relief, but they weren’t the eyes she wanted to see, and for the first time she loathed looking at them. Madness boiled as she watched her mum, dad, Sirius, and Remus smile. She launched herself at Remus. Hadora didn’t care that she didn’t have her wand and that fighting like a  _ Muggle _ was beneath her. She didn’t care that for the first time in years his eyes held an emotion that wasn’t indifference or anger. 

“I hate you!” she screamed, clawing and slapping. She wanted to hurt him. She wanted him to bleed and break. She screamed and wailed as she attacked him with all of her grief and anger. He had taken everything from her. She had waited years for him to notice her, only to be called trash! Hapachia had given her hope, and yet the Remus of the future—her husband—had done something even more despicable. He had allowed her contact with her daughter and then took her away! 

How could he be so dark and twisted that he would willingly destroy her? She pounded her fists against his chest in a mindless rhythm. “I hate you. I hate you!”

“I’m sorry.”

“No. You don’t get to say that! You took her away from me! Y-you take  _ everything _ away from me.” Hadora collapsed to the ground. “She was beautiful Remus. She was  _ so  _ beautiful.”

“W-who was?” he stuttered.

Desperate hazel eyes gazed up at him with madness and confusion. Hadn’t he felt her when she fell from the sky? Couldn’t he smell her scent on Hadora’s clothes? Was he really that ignorant, or did he hate her that much? “Our daughter.” 

Hadora buried her face in her cloak so she wouldn’t forget the smell of her daughter. The scent of grass and her own magical residue flooded her nose. Where was Hapachia’s scent? Where were the lilacs? 

The tenuous grip she had on reality shattered when she saw the horror in Remus’s gaze. Her magic had created the one thing she desired more than anything—a child with Remus Lupin. Hapachia was a figment of her magic’s imagination. Remus would never love her. 

**Author's Note:**

> You can find me on Tumblr if you’re interested.


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